Friday, February 24, 2012

I write for you.  That sounds very generalized, but my thinking is very generalized. I literally (by the way, that's pronounced litter uh lee, not litra lee) imagine an average reader reading my words as I type them.  People that know me know that I want no fame which I doubt will be a problem, but I do want my writing/other work to please people.  I was really bored tonight and can't sleep through the back pain, and it took me an hour to figure out what to do, even though I now have 9 unfinished novels that I need to finish writing.  I sometimes find it hard to even believe I finished the first 3.  So, let's get to it.

Do you feel like you aren't accepted somewhere or by somebody?  Far be it for me to throw some blanket statement out that covers your "condition," because there are so many ways and sources of rejection that the definition and recovery plan for lack of acceptance changes every moment.  Are you a boy who thinks a girl doesn't accept you?  A nerd who thinks the jocks won't?  A jock who thinks the jocks won't?  A co-worker that isn't part of the "club?"  This can go on and on and as it changes, I would be suggesting different things for each situation if I wanted to be that detailed.  In my usual form, I'll take on two or three and hope to provide you with something of value to you.  I was a psych. and English major so maybe it'll pan out well.

Wife not accepted by husband

I wrote in The Lost Dialogues of Table 18 (no, not a plug, or link would be provided) that the problem with men is that they see women as accomplishments, and the problem with women is that they see men as projects. I truly believe that and when I came up with it a few years back, I pretty much knew then that I had struck on something as I replayed situations of relationship failures in my head.

Well, wife-women, if you feel like your husband is unreachable and places himself higher on the importance totem pole than you do, tell him.  Tell him what I just wrote and ask him why he feels higher.  When he denies it, give examples, including body language, words, behaviors, episodes with friends/family, etc.  Tell him you don't like it, and that you avow, from this day forward, to be exactly one half of a team that respects, appreciates, and loves one another.  Tell him to stop what's hurting you, and point out every single time he does it.  Don't miss any.  He'll stop.  Tell him what feels good, and remind him daily or whenever you need it; soon, it will be automatic for him.  Unless your requests are unreasonable, there is no reason he can't join you in uplifting each other like a truly loving couple should do.  In return for his cooperation in realizing that you are, in fact, an equal, let him have his man-cave time, let him do a reasonable amount of his normal hobbies and don't snap when you catch him looking at another lady; it's been wired into men since forever, and it isn't going anywhere soon (a key here, for him, might be subtlety so as not to embarrass you).

Husband not accepted by wife

Things change here from above.  That's no fair.  I know.  But if your wife sees herself as above you on the importance totem pole, approach her with details.  Men tend to try to communicate in short, over-simplified sentences using direct words; I call that part of a bigger philosophy (which I call the Lego Block View).  Do not offend her as you make this approach, especially if she has not offended you.

Maybe you are hurting because she brings in more money or she works and you don't or because guys are always looking at her; write it all down.  All of it... don't trust yourself to memorize anything, because what you'll do is get halfway into the conversation and decide, "That'll do for tonight."  No, that will not do for tonight, from one dude to another--please do this and trust me.  All of it must come out; make sure that you approach this not from an angle of blaming her, but from an angle of how you feel.  (In the event that you weren't aware, scientists have recently discovered that men do have feelings).

Tell her that you believe you can solve the issue(s) together, but you need to know how she feels about those things you have written down.  If she feels like she can't open up to you because you get angry too easily, that's a whole 'nother mountain you gotta climb, but I'm a fan of going for the Hail Mary sometimes.  Tell her you promise not to get angry or upset but that you need her to open up to you on this day/night and share with you thoughts about your feelings and thoughts about her needs.  It won't be long, if you're mature and loving about it, before you will feel like 50% of that couple again.

Co-worker not accepted into inner circles

I was working at Gateway in Tech. Support at the time in Hampton, VA (had to specify because I also worked IT there, and transferred to their Colorado Springs facility) taking essentially PC trouble calls.  The way our desks were laid out was basically a big diamond with everybody facing outward, maybe 25 desks or so, and in the center of the diamond were a manager's desk and a few "senior technician" desks.  Now, the senior techs. were supposed to be the ones to answer the questions you, the phone technician, had when things got really difficult.  So they were seen as semi-elite; semi-popular.  Did I try to get close to them?  Negative, sons.  I already knew my PC stuff when I went into tech. support, and the day it was made clearest is when one of our team members named Tim walked straight past the seniors desk to MY desk, and waited a few minutes for me to finish my call before answering his question.  Very few people did that, but who wants conflict?  Or to embarrass co-workers?  Or confrontation?  I'm sure the other techs didn't want to arouse angst in the senior technicians or manager for not following "procedure."  (Tim was an exception; he found out very quickly who knew what and he learned from them, and within two years, had flat bypassed being a senior tech and became a manager, and an excellent one at that and I can say for certain that he was generally more intelligent than I).

Moral of that derailment was that if you can't get into an inner circle (and my personality asks, "why do you want to?" but my logic and experience tells me it's for acceptance... maybe even leading to a heightened sense of job security, prompt raises, and favored assignments) then make yourself valuable.  You can do it instantly by offering to help other co-workers more, staying late or coming in early, by educating yourself on (boring) rules, regs, policies and procedures so that you quickly become a "go-to" guy or gal in whatever area you choose to shine in.  For my last job as a copier technician, for example, I was always the guy you could call to go to work on weekends.  I made certain my boss knew this, and he knew he could count on me for those very important (but rare) weekend copier breakdowns on large accounts.  I anchored myself into that spot.  If I would have wanted to change out of that spot, I would have found something else to specialize in first.

The key things to avoid doing are: appearing to be a know-it-all, talking constantly about your last job/employer, doing obvious butt-kissing (something I never once engaged in), giving the impression that you're "better" than the job or that this is just a job, and trying to get too much "talk time" early in your job... be a listener.  People can't stand it when new people come in and want to immediately change a bunch of stuff.  They despise it!


Life is inconclusive to me in every way, so I have none.  I just hope I have given you a couple of paragraphs that might help you get some monkeys off of your back, gently.

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